"Sometimes, I feel the past and the future pressing so hard on either side that there's no room for the present at all."
— Evelyn Waugh (Brideshead Revisited)

BLAHHH

Oh my heart. Combine this scene with the previous Bridget Jones's Diary scene and you pretty much have my ideal romantic moment. But, once again, things like this surely don't happen in real life. And if I received a letter like that it would probably be from a stalker not from a hunk like Wentworth.

Though I think Anne had it right when she said at the beginning of the scene:

"All the privilege I claim for my own sex (it is not a very enviable one: you need not covet it), is that of loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone!"

Yey being a girl!

watch this scene and picture me sobbing bitterly, alone, on my floor, surrounded by piles of various items. I didn't actually sob bitterly, I just shook my fist in the air, bitterly. And I am surrounded by random piles.

I doubt things like this happen in real life. We live in a cruel, cruel, confusing world.

2011 WILL BE MY YEAR!

Now it is time for me to state my various hopes and dreams for the new year, well for this year. We'll see how well they go.

Well, actually, they've gone pretty well because I've already completed two, well begun the initial stages of completing two. I've also done a third, that could be considered a third.

1- Stop complaining to my friends about my job and do something about it! Find a job where I feel my mind and years of education are being used.
- I start a new job less than three weeks from today. I almost wrote three years, that would be awful. But yes, in less than three weeks I will be starting at a company that really really excited me, doing a role that I think has major potential to lead me places. Knock on wood!

2- Stop liking boyz who will never ever like me for a variety of reasons. I have some sort of teenage girl Edward Cullen problem where I romanticize men who generally have something majorly in the way of them liking me (they're gay, they're too handsome, etc etc). It's probably because they're safe and they'll never love me, so I don't have to deal with those emotions/ have fear of being rejected, because I know IT'LL NEVER WORK! But you know what world, I'm too much of a catch for this! 10 years of only liking people who will never like me (with several minor exceptions) is waaaayyy too crazy. This year I want to locate that lucky fellah who will like me just as much as I like him. Because I deserve it!
-I jolted myself onto the emotional journey to do this. Painful. Absurdly painful. But no pain, no gain!

3- Attempt to reconnect with old friends. Ie- I attempted contact with a former friend who I cut off because of years of issues and she never responded! But I did my part! That was a big step in my life, cutting her off, aka realizing that I deserve well-rounded friendships, not ones where I put in allll the effort.

4- Be more overall healthy, not eat 3 gigantic meals a day. Become the hot babe I have the potential to be haaaa.

5- No longer compare myself to other people. Hard.

6- Be better with money! Number one will help with that because for three months I'm taking a fairly significant pay drop, but it'll be worth it. I know it will! I have to learn to budget and not buy things to give me momentary feelings of satisfaction.

7- Aim to be more creative. I feel like since I moved back to England my life has been almost completely lacking in creativity. I need to start writing again, or join a book club or something.

Follow Amy Winehouse's to-do list. Particularly the second to last one:

I'll let you know how all the items go...

Goodbye 2010 Hello 2011

2009 was a pretty dull year, yes I finished uni and moved to England again, but it didn't contain a lot of stories for my future (distant future) babies. I could tell them about my shit job working at Michaels, but besides that, meh. 2010 on the other hand was filled with a plethora of change and heartbreak, the kind that probably set off the transformation process that will turn me into the woman I was born to be, or something.

Really though, emotional trauma seems to be the best tool for transformation. I became soo different my freshman year when the boy I LOOOOVVVVEEEDDDD/ was obsessed with/ never had a chance with for a PLETHORA of reasons (all general themes in the men I like- probably an issue...), decided he hated me (along with my roommate) and left me with no friends and an emotional wreck after telling me off at 3 am one wednesday. I feel like that was the kick that hardened me into a young adult.

Similarly, December was filled with hard things for me. In really all facets of life. But I think the pain I went through/ am still very much going through, will be good for me, will make 2011 into a wonderful year. Everything I did (all the trauma was brought on by me- but they were things I had to do), will help me shake off those old habits and loyalties that were ridiculous. This is all very cryptic I know. But meh. All I know if that after that trauma Freshman year I progressed into a much more confident (in a way...), unique, badass lady and it led directly into many amazing memories. I went from having shit friends who didn't like me into having a group of amazing girls who made my undergrad experience. I even had some romance after all that horribleness. And I think that momentum led me directly into my year at Oxford. But the shit began again a bit at Oxford and just ended last week. By shit I mean, unhealthy cycles of thinking/emotional states in my life. Wow this post is legit crazy.

So essentially, I'm hoping 2011 is very similar. I'm especially hopeful for this month because Jupiter is supposed to be in pisces for a while, which apparently is amazing. Yup.

My Night Tonight

Watching this via Love Film (British Netflix like provider). Such a crazy night! I've also drank too cups of herbal tea and watched a Father Ted documentary! No work tomorrow, so plenty of time to catch up on my blogging. Yey Bank Holidays.

best.poem.ever.

This poem has inspired me through so many meh-wah-blah parts of my life. Parts of my life with various circumstances. The backstory behind it is so tragic as well, it's essentially inspired by the suicide of Bishop's girlfriend after a shakey depression filled relationship. A lot sadder than anything my 23 years has thrown me. Anyways, enjoy:

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master; 

so many things seem filled with the intent 

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.  

Lose something every day. 

Accept the fluster of lost door keys, the hour badly spent. 

The art of losing isn't hard to master.  

Then practice losing farther, losing faster: 

places, and names, and where it was you meant  

to travel. None of these will bring disaster.  

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or 

next-to-last, of three loved houses went. 

The art of losing isn't hard to master.  

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster, 

some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent. 

I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.   

--Even losing you (the joking voice, 

a gesture I love) I shan't have lied.  It's evident

 the art of losing's not too hard to master 

though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

ahhhhhh

Substitute high school/being 18 for young 20's and a new Y-P and this dialogue from Little Miss Sunshine comforts me greatly.

Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all of this, high school, everything.

Frank: Do you know who Marcel Proust is?

Dwayne: He's the guy you teach.

Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he, uh, he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18--Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that. "