I had a dream last night where I interacted with my childhood self. My childhood self then injured herself and started sobbing, when I tried to comfort her and hold her, she screamed and I looked at her skin and where I had touched her turned into a horrific burn. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?!?!
I remember when I first heard this song, it was being featured in Borders (SO HIP!) and I was transfixed right away. I scribbled Interpol's name on a scrap of paper and researched further when I went home. Interpol was probably my fav band for like 4 years, until their recent CD disappointed me. I just don't know if they can produce something as wonderful as their first album. Anyways, this song is awesome. In my This is Why I'm Single world, I've often imagined whoever my current crush is surprising me and coming around when I'm down. Which, has yet to happen. Oh.My.Life.
Spending another night listening to Broadway tunes on youtube (THIS IS WHY I'M SINGLE). I've also started listening to Disney tunes in honor of my upcoming trip (!). Anyways, this song kind of relates to my life:
-I left Rochester not because of a man but because of a pathological fear of being stuck in Rochester (though, it is my home that I love and don't want to return to).
- My parents didn't resent me leaving.
- I don't have a man who made me change all my dreams.
So, it doesn't really relate to my life. But it is a fitting musical to write about on the start of Passover.
Ruth lent me David Nicholls's newish book One Day and it is FABULOUS. It basically follows two friends, a boy and a girl, on one day of their lives every year. They're in their 20s right now and I can relate so much with the girl, Emma. Such a good read. And here's something Dexter (the boy), wrote to Emma:
"You're gorgeous, you old hag, and if I could give you just one gift ever for the rest of your life it would be this. Confidence. It would be the gift of confidence. Either that or a scented candle."
This post was badly worded, but that quote is wonderful.
- Done with classes! Now I just have papers, exams and a dissertation to write. Woo!
- Went to Oxford yesterday for a conference on development stuff. Paul Collier was the keynote speaker, he's a BIG name in development studies. It was fabulous, so was the free lunch. Afterwards I met the Oxford half of my favorite twins for coffee, then I went to an amazing Dinner with Ruthy, followed by G&Ds. Great day!
- England finally pushed the clocks forward. TIRED.
- TIRED is the theme of the day. As is an overwhelming desire to eat everything.
- My anticipation of returning to my native land is building. Especially after my mom told me we're going to Disney for TWO DAYS not the originally planned one day. YEYYY
Another showtune! I was singing this one in the shower last night, along with a little Fiddler on the Roof. Anyways, the main woman, Anita, always reminds me of Lianne's mom, not because she speaks with a similar accent, but because they're both saucy hispanic women. I also imagine Mrs. S. looked similar in her youth, though dressed differently.
Also, on a side note, Rita Moreno, who plays Anita is one of only 10 performers to have won an Oscar, an Emmy, a Tony, and a Grammy. That reminds me of 30 Rock.
I love Richard Alpert way too much. For those who don't know who Richard is because you don't want the greatest tv show of my generation (LOST!) then you should still watch the first video clip in this Jezebel Lost analysis. The Jezebel write ups have really surprised me with how interesting they are... good work! But seriously, such a sad/beautiful clip. I cried the first, second and third time watching it. I want someone to love me like that! Though I'm starting to suspect love is a manufactured concept and primal human instincts are the only thing driving us. But that's for another time/ when I feel like showing the world how bitter I really am. Kisses.
NOOOOO!!! The UK rail operators are probably going to strike the dates I'm in Manchester. Meaning I could get there alright, but I'd be stranded there. This really effs up my fantastic plans!!! I honestly don't know what to do. Plz let them resolve it!!!
It's officially spring in England and it has been raining a looottt. I just took a break from searching for articles for my dissertation/ essay and saw it was pouring. Which reminded me of the song I keep singing to myself (though, it's not yet April... but almost!), from one of the best, if not the BEST, Disney film EVER.
I had my first economic review session today. I can't even articulate how screwed I am for economics. I also don't even know where to begin as far as revision goes (Brits speak for studying). Like, I pray I get a C. Bahhh! But, I'm not going to focus on that until after I write my development paper. Hopefully that'll be done by next week, then Research Methods and Economics will start consuming my life. WOOO.
Wow. One of those days where I can count the people I like on one hand. Though, fear not American compatriots, I mean people I like in the British Isles. I feel deliriously stressed/ emotionally unstable. A really fun combo. I wandered Soho after class and surprisingly found myself at Yog, a frozen yogurt place. Bright spot, I ran into some people in my program I like so my numbers drastically increased.
Then I wandered back to my place and dark thoughts took over again. I miss my native land, a lot. Which I think is okay, since I'm American and that's where most of my good memories are. I've pretty much decided I'm going to return home in August and begin my working life in America. Maybe I'll come back here one day, I don't know.
I also stopped by Waitrose and am baking cookies tonight. I'm also baking an absurdly healthy dinner, so that makes cookies okay right? I hope it's not awkward when people walk into my kitchen and see me covered in food, baking while crying. AWKWARD.
I forgot how much I love this song. Also, I've never blogged about TV on the Radio and they're probs my fav band, so woo. I have oft imagined myself driving around in a convertible at night with a man listening to this song in late summer/early autumn (weird?).
I think I'm going to try to expand my cooking repertoire to include meals, not just sweets. Shocking right?!?! Tonight I think I'm going to make couscous with sauteed spinach and broccoli with Sophie's sweet potato fries on the side. Let's see how that works out for me...
Blah. Not sleeping last night really effed up my mood. Here is a run down:
-I spent too much money on dinner when I should have cooked. I'm basically living pay check to pay check and I have no idea when my job will end. Stress. Hopefully they'll give me some notice. I'm so afraid they'll tell me my project is done right before I go to Florida.
- Also expensive dinner was very unhealthy.
- I didn't go to a student even at the national gallery because I'm so tired I can't see straight.
- I'm looonnneeeellyyyyyyyyy.
- I think I'll definitely return to America after this year, but I'm afraid I'll end up back in Rochester working at the craft store from Hell. Plz let someone hire me.
- I want someone to looooveeeee me.
- Once again, I wish I could look 5 years in the future and see that my life is fine.
- My dissertation meeting left me feeling 1-dumb and 2-facing a mountain of things to do. Hopefully by my next meeting in June I'll be more together.
- I have so so so so so so much to do for everything.
- In THREE weeks I'll be in Florida. I've never been so excited to go to Florida in my life.
- In TWO weeks I'll be visiting Gemma in Manchester, so excited!
- I'm really into google's calorie counting app thing. It's really helpful for me on my quest to not be a gigantic fatty.
- I also love baking and can't wait till I have a family to bake for. Though the baking is making it harder for me to be healthy since I eat a lot of raw dough. Mehhh. If only I got some exercise. But, seriously I LOVE baking.
- Today it was so cold in my office that my hands are still cold, two hours later. So so so cold. Like painfully cold. Artic cold. And so on.
- I am loving the book about Shakespeare I'm reading: 1599: A Year in the life of William Shakespeare by James Shapiro. I'll write a review after I'm done. Then I'm starting the book Ruth lent me, One Day by David Nicholls. Yey reading.
- I have my second dissertation meeting tomorrow. eeep.
- I have so much work to do. I'm not doing any of it tonight.
SamCam is pregnant! It's probably a sign of my overwhelming desire to have a baby that I was super excited when I read the headline. FYI to all concerned readers (aka my parents): I have no plans to have a baby anytime soon. I just want to hold one.
To attend a sing-a-long jam session in Ireland. Like the one in Once. Or one like this, with Glen Hansard singing the most beautiful song ever and the audience softly singing along. Bahhhh so jealous of all in attendance.
The highlight of tonight was watching Glee. Even though I didn't like the episode, I really do not like Mr. Schuester's wife. She's AWFUL. But, anyways, there's this song they play during the sad parts that reminds me so much of this song from Once. A song that I didn't realize was SO sad until now. Wow. I might watch Once tonight. Great film.
The National performed the opening track from their new album (which comes out in May) on Jimmy Fallon a few days ago. Actually, like almost two weeks ago, but I've been in England, soooo. Anyways, I'm diggin it.
I'm really becoming a creature of Walmart. I can't believe I let myself go SO much. When evaluating my life in the last 4 minutes, I but the blame on two main culprits: CHEESE and BAKED GOODS. So now for the next three weeks and one day until I leave for Florida I will eat no cheese and no baked goods. Plus I will count every calorie I eat. It's only three weeks! I can do it. Maybe.
I'm also hoping I like lose 2 pounds today by just not eating like yesterday. But we'll see. BLAH.
I spent the night in a pub watching the final game of THE rugby (as it is referred to as...), England vs. France. England lost. Rugby is fine, I mean, I'm not a sports fanatic in any sense, but it's an entertaining game to watch. More entertaining was the Chicken, leak and ham pie plus, bread and butter pudding I consumed. YUM!
But, the whole time watching the rugby I had two things in my mind, well, three. The film Invictus in general and the New Zealand All Black's war dance seen in it.
Epic. But then on youtube I found an even more epic version, where they have a dueling war dance with Tonga. It reminded me of West Side Story (weird?).
But also my mind stayed beyond rugby to the greatest sports thing I have ever witnessed (on youtube). Yes, I mean the Liverpool Football Club's theme song being belted out by a stadium filled with manly men. A theme song that originate from the Broadway classic, Carousal.
I now am a Liverpool supporter, just for that song choice. I also plan on getting my mom a "You will never walk alone" scarf for mother's day.
In unrelated news, tomorrow is not going to be fun. So much work. Ooof.
This morning I ventured down Gray's Inn Road to get breakfast and read the Guardian at my fav local/locally owned cafe, THQ. THQ has amazing food, amazing coffee and seriously the best carrot cake I'm EVER had. It also has really friendly staff. And free wireless. And they let you linger. I love THQ. So this post is not against THQ in any way. They're just being euro.
I decided to go for something American this morning and ordered the french toast with bacon. Yum. I knew the bacon would be English bacon (like ham), so I was cool with that. What I was not ready for was one piece of french toast. That's all I got, one effing piece.
It was DELICIOUS. But I was hoping for three more slices. All I could think of was ihop and the pile I would have gotten there. Or to go local, the french toast I would have gotten from like the Coal Tower in Pittsford. It was so sad, because it was amazing, but gone so so so fast. Tear.
An amazing Morning Becomes Eclectic version of Bat for Lashes Siren Song. Another song I consider one of my theme songs. Which is kind of ridiculous, but ehhhhh not really in my mind. I'd explain further but then... Seriously though, what an amazing song. This is Why I'm Single has been so music heavy over the last few days, hope dats cool withchu.
Wait St. Patrick was actually a person? I was under the impression he was a leprechaun. JK. Anyways, I know this post is a day late, but I think Rev. James Martin has a good point about St. Patrick's Day in his HuffPo articl. I'm sure the average person getting wasted on green beers knows little about why St. Patrick has a feast day dedicated to him. Anyways, read the article, and next year think about St. Patrick. I did, mostly because I was sober and researching my dissertation and needed distractions, so reading about St. Pat provided about 45 minutes of distraction. FUN. Also, I wonder how St. Patrick's day evolved into the modern binge fest it is. I'm sure there's an article about it somewhere online.
And, here's St. Patrick's Grave in Northern Ireland.
I had a dream last night that Freud would love. First to preface this to my mom, just because I mention a "crush" (8th grade tee hehe), does not mean that those feelings are current or that I'm dating someone. xoxoxo.
So warning to my mom aside, here's a rundown of my dream. So I was in my dream with a group of people, including the boy I most recently liked and we had a flying machine, I ended up on the flying machine and it went haywire, I then saw the boy making out with some girl in the bushes ahaha. That probably would happen to me (minus the flying machine).
So I then flew away but TWIST, the person next to me ended up being my BF4eva from high school who I don't keep in touch with for a variety of reasons. NOTE: Flying in dreams supposedly means feeling "a sense of freedom where you had initially felt restricted and limited." Further, a flying machine: Foretells of steady satisfactory progress in your future endeavors." (via Dream Mood Dictionary, surely very accurate)
Okay, so fair enough, that seems to make sense. I'm flying away from that, moving on, etc. BUT THEN!!! So we landed in the middle of nowhere, but there was an old house and a gas station. So the flying machine morphed into former BF4Eva's car, which was continually causing her problems. And we had stopped because it ran out of gas. So, we went to the gas station and they would let us purchase a can of gasoline as long as we let our license, so I couldn't find mine because Taylor stole it to use it as a fake ID, yes that was part of my dream. And I called my parents rally angrily. So then I realised I had my passport, which I gave to the man. But, former BF4eva was gone! I walked around the whole place for a long time, but she LEFT! She abandoned me in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE! Wow, how loaded. The dream dictionary says that abandonment in dreams: suggests that it is time to leave behind past feelings and characteristics that are hindering your growth, it also speaks of feelings of being neglected and issues from childhood.
So that makes sense, I need to give up things and move on, get a new way of thinking, etc. THEN the dream took another twist. I walked inside the old house to call my parents and ask them to pick me up. BUT THEN, inside the house was every boy I had a major crush on during my undergrad. One was with his girlfriend. What does that mean?! Old House- old feeings? Idk!
So, that was weird, but then I decided not to call my parents because they would be like, we knew this would happen, why were you hanging out with her again, etc. So I called the first guy, who was making out in the bushes. And I wanted to ask him about that but when I started talking I couldn't say it AND I couldn't ask him to come get me/ it was an awkward conversation. I think this means that I thought he could save me (from LONELINESS), but I can only save myself, or something. But what a wild dream!
- My food baby still exists and is super painful. Further, my feet are swollen, so it's possible that my body actually thinks I'm pregnant (which is thankfully impossible).
- I've become so nostalgic for America that I'm like sadly dreaming of American chain restaurants like Denny's.
- I still have no motivation to do anything. FAIL.
- All my PFH (Potential Future Husbands) have been rendered unrealistic because 1- I realised it was all getting sad and 2- a variety of circumstances made me realise that (girlfriends, they'll never be straight, they haven't spoken to me in years, etc.). Now I'm stuck with the bottom member of my list the one who I'd probably be happy with but maybe never LOVE. Yea, I have a list and I have a safety choice. Of course the safety choice like all the others has never shown interest in me... sooooo... I'm a very pathetic person. OH WELL.
- I'm beyond excited to go to this really gross/AMAZING thrift store in Florida and go to McDonald's after for breakfast. Which is my fav activity to do with my Grandparents.
-The highlight of my day was when one of the men in the office called me "mate." BEST FRIENDS!
My mom isn't this intense, but there are some similarities, such as I can see my mom saying "Ah, come on people!" and "Why am I doing this? Done!" Thanks to Mike for showing me this, I've been laughing about it for a while.
-Finished my first of three Essays due April 25th. Thus, I'm pretty much on schedule for finishing most of my work before I go to Florida on April 12th. It sucks, but I have over a month to edit! And now I can freak out about other things!
-I made/ate this gourmet sandwich for lunch: Waitrose country style whole grain bread, cranberry sauce, spinach and brie. YUM-O.
-The weather is so gorgeous out I want to cry. And since I finished my essay, I can go get tea and sit outside with Gemma at 2:30, relatively guilt free. It's amazing how great a nice sunny day can make you feel.
Now all I need is for someone to declare their love for me and my 22nd year will be the best year ever! Actually, a nice sunny, amazing day tomorrow filled with food and friends + someone declaring their love for me (anyone? anyone?) will make my 23rd year the best ever, so I guess it's no biggie if it doesn't happen today. And since it's not likely to happen tomorrow either, I'll gladly accept another nice weather day, food and friends on the day of my birth.
I have only 700 words left to write in the Foreign Policy essay I'm writing right now. I can't believe how quickly I've worked! Sadly, I have so so so so so much more to do in the next, oh three months. Hello stress induced weight gain and pimples!
This is probs what the psychic my mom visited was referring to when she told me to wear my red shoes- she didn't mean I should wear my red shoes but I should listen to Kate Bush a lot and hope for the best. MAYBE?
This woman is way too calm for the amount of money her collection is worth. I also want to say Kudos to the antique expert who is clearly a very smart man despite his intense accent. A little bit of an inspiration for me.
Holy Food Heaven. I just went to go return a shirt that I bought yesterday (apparently I am waaayyy too pale to pull of pastels) and there was an added bonus in this journey because of Saturday the Brunswick Centre has a food market. I walked around three times before making my selection. I went for a fried risotto balls wrap. OH Em Gee. The risotto was amazzzziinngg. So deliciously filling. I definitely want to go again, but I might just set the salad instead. Though the wrap made for handy eating while walking. Also the man making it was really friendly. BONUS.
Malcolm Tucker aka the most brilliant character from the completely show The Thick of It (and the film in the loop), both about British politics/ new labour, has "written" a column for the Guardian. It's hilarious and makes some good points at the same time. It's not, however, for those who are easily offended by a multiple of things.
" I tell you what, we need more of a strategy than to say, "Ooo, winter's over in Narnia, let's watch the crocuses push up, and the rabbits hump and we can relax and put up our World Cup wallcharts."
"I prefer to conduct my own polling by the means of ripping chickens apart, and reading the tea leaves I have force-fed them. And what this is telling me is that however well we think we're doing, we are currently located midway up shit creek, in the vicinity of the hamlet of Nofuckingpaddles."
"They're in bed with the Ulster Unionists. And I think this is a good week to not unfairly characterise these guys as beardy weirdy, bollocks-in-the-mangle old-time-religion, one-step-from-Waco fruitcakes."
I'm going to start referring to my Ulster friends as "Beardy weirdy, bollocks-in-the-mangle old-time-religion, one-step-from-Waco fruitcakes." I'm sure once I do, our friendship will become even stronger because I surely would want to be referred to in that way. I still had a good LOL.
1- My friend Jane bought me a red velvet birthday cake from Hummingbird Bakery yesterday (the Magnolia's of London), it was beyond amazing. My birthday festivities have started!
2- I went to River Island to buy a dress today for my birthday with my hard earned money. Every dress I tried on was a size too big! I ended up buying one that was two sizes smaller than the first one I originally tried on! SCORE. I haven't weighed myself in a while, but maybe it's really good!
3- I went to Oxford yesterday with Mike (who's in town for his spring break), I have blisters all over my feet. Ouchie.
4- I dyed my hair, it was supposed to be dark blonde. It doesn't look any different. Fail.
5- I'm staying in tonight and writing an essay. FUN. Luckily I have leftover Hummingbird cake and brownies/ 7-layer dip that I made with my friend Allison to get me through the pain.
Bahahah I always knew Jacob looked familiar!! In related news (since I spent tonight watching lost instead of doing work), I have apparently given up on my degree and completely given in to procrastination. Wah. I need to do solid work this entire weekend. FUN TIMES.
The best part about this Daily Mail article about Katie Price (WHO I DO NOT LIKE ANYMORE) visiting a Hollywood sexshop with her gross husband (WHO I ALSO DO NOT LIKE) is that the headling starts with Classy! What a legitimate paper!
I just bought Frightened Rabbit's new album as I said I would. It was released in the UK last week, but I wanted to spend American dollars on it. AH they're SO good! I love the dark religious undertones in their music (listen to Heads Roll Off- So subversive!), it comforts me when I'm feeling sinful and doomed to Hell. FUN TIMES.
Wowzers, I still LOVE Scotland. Since I'm too mehh to write in paragraphs, I will instead create a list about my weekend up North.
- Glasgow has so many great Cafes. Granted, I only went to three, but we passed so many cute ones. The first night Patrick took me to an AMAZING cafe that I definitely would go to all the time if I lived there.
-The Highlands are soo beautiful. I took an extensive drive through the Highlands two years ago with Ruth and her dad, but it was amazing driving through them with Patrick. We ended up getting lost, but then we got to have an impromptu photo shoot on a truck abandoned on the road. SO FUN.
- Glasgow both confirms my expectations and defies them. Most of the parts I saw were so nice and cool/hip, but I saw lots of yucky areas and people in track suits. I guess that's what most cities are like. But overall I really liked Glasgow. Wooo!
- Patrick's apartment is SO nice. His room looked like a hotel room. JEALOUS. One complaint, the living room where I slept was SO cold. So draughty arharhar inside joke.
- I went to the worst outlet mall I've ever been to by Loch Lomond (and incidentally next to a HUGE government housing complex). It was opened in 1998 by Princess Margaret, I hope it was better 12 years ago.
- I just had SO much fun with Patrick. It was good spending a weekend constantly laughing instead of stressing about my life. YEYYY.
I just want to know where my life with be in five years! Everything would be so much easier now if I knew my life won't suck in the future. Bahhhhhhhh.
ps- This song takes a dark turn when you listen to Noah and the Whale's latest album, which is about a terrible Publish Postbreak up with the girl who most likely inspired this song. SAD. But good for music because their second album is SO much better than their first.
After class today, at approximately four, I will be heading to Liverpool Station to take the Stansted Express to surprise surprise Stansted airport so I can fly to Glasgow and hang with my friend Patrick. I'm soooooo excited. Also, I should point out that it takes an hour on an "express" train to get to this airport, which is 1) clearly not in London and 2) a longer trip than my flight up north.
I'm super excited to go North and spend a whole weekend hanging with Patrick. Also, I'm excited to see what this Glasgow place is really like. I've only heard two things, 1) It has a great party scene and 2) It's a scary scary rough town (case in point, my friends 6 foot 5 brother who would be a football player if he wasn't Scottish was mugged there). Should be an ADVENTURE! Though, I'm sure Patrick won't take me to any locals where I'm likely to be mugged. I've only been in Glasgow briefly and that's when I took a ferry from Northern Ireland and got on a train to Glasgow. I had to transfer onto a train to Dundee, but I was at the wrong station and had no idea because I couldn't understand the Glasgow accent of a police officer who was trying to kindly explain my error to me. FUN.
First I have to do some pretty cool networking (scccaarrryyyy), then seminar, then I will be free to begin my journey! Wahoo!
The other day I neglected to say the version of the Carousel song "If I loved you" that is REALLY my favorite. Aka the reprise, where the dead bill sings to Julie how he really LOVED her. Mah girl (and facebook wife) Shelly wrote that this is her favorite version on my wall and I definitely agree. I sing it in the shower frequently. But it's a not healthy thing that I do because whenever I "break" up with a crush (YEA) aka am separated by them by a new girlfriend, disillusionment or distance this is what I imagine them singing about me... how they really DID love me! But they were afraid and shy and you know what, they let their golden chance go by!
Wow. I probably should find a real boyfriend/ get a life. Way.Too.Hard.
Today was rough, but there were some positives. As my previous post shares, I woke up after approximately 4 and a half hours of sleep. I was so tired all day, that kind of hazy half alive look/feeling. FUN.
- At work my boss sent me an email saying that I have to pick up the speed on my work. Ooof.
- No National Insurance number application yet and I don't think I have time to call them until Wednesday. GREAT.
-Which means I'm going to be taxed a lot.
- And then there's the huge negative of my night last night, of me laying in bed so tired but unable to fall asleep. So so so so awful.
-I switched from taking the Northern line to taking the Hammersmith & City/Circle line and it is SO much better. I actually had room to breath in the morning!
- I had my first dissertation meeting and my supervisor asked me how I came up with a particular element of my research question and when I answered him he said that when he read the question he thought that if I didn't just come up with that randomly I must be really smart because it's a great idea. xoxoxoxo yey.
I could fall asleep until sometime around 3am last night and I woke up at 730 this morning. Now I have a day filled with commuting hell, work, my first dissertation meeting, and more work. Bllllllaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh. I hope it's not painful. Let's see how many cups of coffee I need to feel alive!!!